"horse feathers" by Ward Picklesimer for Claudia Typhoon

           It was another cold, winter’s night on the old farm.  I was just a young boy who barely understood any of his surroundings.  I couldn’t have been more than fifteen-years-old I’d say.  My mother was in the kitchen preparing dinner and I was sitting in front of the fireplace, doing my best to keep warm on such a frigid evening.  All of the sudden, my father barged in the front door soaking wet, but it had not rained that night.  Mother stormed in the living room and screamed at father.

“What the hell Leonard?!  You stink like old  horse pussy!”  She said.

 My father’s eyes exploded and he yelled back at her.

“Well that God damn horse came all over me!”  He said.

“Are you serious?  How dare that horse soak my husband with her feminine spray!  Only I get to do that!”  She said with the obvious tone of jealousy in her voice.

 “I can’t help it!  I went in the stable to feed her and she was pleasuring herself with her own hoof!  Next thing ya know, I was drenched in piping-hot horse come!”  Father said.

I could not believe what I was hearing, nor did I really understand it at the time.  It sounded like father was baptized in magical, horse rain from the heavens.  However, it did not actually come from the heavens, but from our horse Lucinda.  Later that evening, we sat in silence at the supper table and we exchanged very uncomfortable glances with one another.  Father was still quite wet and he was shoveling food in his mouth whilst crying enough tears to drown an epileptic turkey that’s been trapped under an outhouse for the past ten days.   Mother decided she couldn’t take it anymore and ran off to the bedroom sobbing. 

“You should just kill that horse with a rusty old hammer!  That’s what Pa would have done!”  She screamed as she slammed the door.

Father got up and ran outside while still cramming biscuits in his mouth that were sopped with the sad gravy of his tears. 

“Why do you test us so Lord?! What have we done to deserve such cruel, cruel punishment?!”  He said as ran out of the front door while crying those hot, butter tears. 

    I went to bed that night with my head spinning full of questions.  What exactly was this horse rain and why did it bring my folks so much grief?  Would things ever be normal again?  Only time would tell.

                The next morning I woke up and no one was in the living room.  I looked out of the window to find that Lucinda was running around the yard just as vibrant and alive as could be.  Watching her run around like that made me feel like my innards were made out of bubble-wrap.  I tried to maintain my composure, but some undeniable force was exploding inside of me.  I looked down to find that my boy-dong was as sharp as an arrowhead and piercing clean through my long johns.  It was a sensation that was so completely foreign to me.  Then it felt like a ghost guided my hand towards crotch town and pulled out my four-inch beacon of the devil for all to see.   I began stroking it frantically and next thing you know, a great river flowed from my beacon and drenched the coffee table that stood before me.  My grandpa stormed into the living room and screamed at the top of his lungs.

“You little bastard!  You came all over the Werther’s Originals!  How dare you!  Only I get to do that!”  Grandpa said.

“I’m sorry grandpa!  I don’t know what came over me!” I said.

“Oh I know what it was!  You’re giving into your carnal desires!  I suppose you’re about the age where you start getting the urges, but unloading your gonads on hard candy is just for grown-ups!  You should know better than that boy!”  He said.

“I don’t know what to tell you grandpa!  Honest!  I didn’t mean to!” I told him.

“Oh you didn’t mean to huh?  Why I’m so mad I could kill a horse with a hammer!  Just like in the old days!”  He said as grabbed a come-drenched hammer off of the coffee table and ran outside towards the stable. 

I chased after him and begged him not to harm Lucinda. 

“No grandpa!  Don’t hurt her!  She didn‘t do anything!” I shouted.

“I don’t care!  I’m mad as hell and this horse is gonna die for it!  That’s just how it works boy!”  He said.

He ran into the stable and lifted his hammer to strike Lucinda, but as he was about to thrash her, she sprayed him with a mighty tidal wave of horse rain.  He washed back towards me and coughed up some of the pungent horse juice. 

“Sweet Filipino Jesus in a Chinese Fire Drill!  That damn horse just came a river!  I’m gonna kill her if it’s the last thing I do!” He said as he reached for his hammer that was on the ground.

I felt it was my duty to protect sweet Lucinda so I stomped on grandpa’s hand and picked up the hammer.  He looked up at me with trepidation and begged me to release him.

“What are you doing boy?  You gotta let me up so I can kill that damn horse!”  He said.

“No grandpa!  I ain’t gonna let you hurt her!  I’m sorry, but this is for your own good!” I said as I began thrashing him with the hammer.

“Ahhh!!!  Please stop!  You’ve gone mad boy!  Someone help!  Please!” He yelled as I bashed his head in.

I dropped the hammer and began balling my eyes out.  As I was sobbing, the horse spoke to me.

“Oh thank you, kind boy!  Thank you for saving me from that gall-dang lunatic!”  Lucinda said.

“My God!  You can talk!  You truly are magical!” I said.

“I guess you could say that!  I’ve admired you from my stable for a long time.  I have just discovered the wonders of my own body and from the looks of it, so have you.”  She said grinning through her big, old horsey teeth.

“Oh I guess you saw me through the window earlier, huh?” I said.

“Hot damn I did and it got me all hot and bothered!  Luckily I was able to pop one off just as your grandpa was about to kill me with that hammer!”  She said.

“I’m so sorry about that.  He came from a different time when that sort of thing was acceptable.”  I said.

“Yeah, I’ve heard about them days.  Why legend has it that my grand-pappy and my grandma were killed by John Henry himself!”  She said.

“No way!” I said with a glare in me eyes.

“That’s what my pappy told me and he was a honest horse too!  He said John Henry was on a three-day bender and was trying to build a train track out of horse bones!  My granny and grand-pappy gladly gave their lives to help construct the dog food railroad as Mr. Henry called it!  And he killed them the only way he knew how!  With his mighty hammers of steel!”  She said. 

“That was beautiful!  You sure have a way with words Lucinda!”  I said.

“Why thank you partner!  I do my best.  Someday I hope to get a degree in public speaking.  Wouldn’t that be somethin’?”  She said.

“Hot dang, I think it would Ms. Lucinda!  Hot dang!”  I said.

“Well, you should get back now and wash all that blood off your hands.  I’ll dig a hole for your grandpa here so no one ever finds out about our little secret.”  She said.

“Ok!  I hope I get to see you again soon!”  I said.

“You sure will boy!  You sure will!”  She said as she winked at me.

                I ran back in the house to find that mother was cleaning up the mess I had  made earlier.  She looked up at me and saw that there was blood on my hands.

“My God!  What have you done?!”  She said

“Oh Mama!  It was awful!  I…  I was out in the stable where I ran into grandpa and…  He begged me to kill him with a hammer!”  I said while sobbing.

“Ewww, gross!  How could you?”  She said.

“I had no choice!  He said he’d kill me if I didn’t do it!”  I said.

“Well, that sounds like him alright.  He tried to get me to kill him once too, but I then flashed him and he forgot all about it.”  She said.

“I’m so sorry mama!  I didn’t want to!”  I said as I embraced her.

“There, there.  It’s alright.  This will be our little secret.  Did you bury the body?”  She said.

“Yeah, I did.  No one will ever find him!”  I said.

“That’s good boy.  Run along and wash up now.  Your Pa will be done plowing in a couple of hours.”  She said.

“Alright mama.  I love you!”  I said.

“I love you too sweetheart.”  She said as she patted my back with her reassuring hand.

I felt bad  for lying to her about why I killed grandpa, but I knew she would never believe what actually happened.  It would be a dark secret that I would have to live with for the rest of my days.

                After I was done washing-up, I heard a man’s voice coming from my mother’s room.  It wasn’t my father’s voice, but it sounded vaguely familiar.  I peeked through the keyhole on mother’s door and saw that it was none other than the legendary Captain Roast Beef Face.  Everyone called him that because his face was all mangled-up something fierce.  Rumor has it that he used to be a really successful door to door sales man and he went by a different moniker.  They say he used to have the most handsome, shiny face you ever saw.  In fact, they used to call him Captain Vaseline Face on the count of his face being so smooth and glimmering.  The story goes that he was at a woman’s house one day, doing a demonstration and he decided to put some moves on her.  He was supposed to be a real lady’s man, but that was sadly his greatest weakness.  The woman’s husband came home while Captain Vaseline Face was in the middle of giving her the pounding of her life all over the dining room table.  Her husband then grabbed Vaseline Face by the throat and dragged him into the kitchen where he proceeded to beat him mercilessly.   The man of the house was said to be a butcher and had some of his equipment set up in his home.  He pulled Vaseline Face by his hair and turned on his automated slicer he used for cutting sandwich meats.  Vaseline Face begged for his life, but it was no use.  The man placed Vaseline Face’s head in the slicer and cut off his nose, his ears, and lacerated his face until it was completely unrecognizable.  It was from that moment forth he was to be known as Captain Roast Beef Face and forced into hiding for the rest of his life.  He was truly hideous to behold, but my mother was there caressing his cheek as she leaned in to kiss him.   I guess rumors of his love still held true amongst the female populous of our small town.  He said the most vile things to her when I was spying on them.

“Oh yeah, baby.  I wanna slap you in the face with my cock and leave a big, greasy stain on your cheek.”  He said.

“Oh, Captain Roast Beef Face!  You sure know how to talk to a lady!”  Mother said.

“Yeah, I haven’t bathed in years.  I got a bad case of dead fish balls if you catch my drift.”  He said.

I could smell him through the keyhole alright.  I choked down some vomit as I watched them necking with each other.  It made me sad to see that mother was having an affair, but I knew that father probably wasn’t able to tend to her needs on the count of what had happened the night before.  Still, I didn’t know how she could even bear to have relations with someone so repulsive and ungodly.   By the time he unzipped his pants, I couldn’t hold in my vomit any longer.  The stench alone was enough to gag a maggot.  Captain Roast Beef Face heard me throwing up and he screamed at the top of his lungs.

“Who the hell is that?”  He said as he pulled a knife out of his pocket.

I backed away from the door as he kicked it open.  I laid on the floor in sheer terror and begged him not to harm me.

“I’m sorry sir!  I didn’t see anything!  By the way, your fly is open!”  I said while trembling.

“Oh, that’s funny kid!  Why were you right against the door then, huh?  I got a mind to slice you up good!”  He said as he held up his knife.

“No Roast Beef Face!  Please don’t hurt him!  He’s my only boy!”  Mother said.

“You shut your hole woman!  I’ll do what I God damn please!  I don’t like people spyin’ on me!  I especially don’t like little liars!”  He said while snarling.

“Mister Roast Beef Face, I promise I didn’t see anything!  Just let me go and I won’t tell anyone you were ever here!”  I said.

“You’re damn right you won’t!  I’ll make sure of that myself!  Stand up boy!  Let me get a good look at you!”  He said.

I stood up with tears in my eyes while he pointed his knife at me.

“What do you think of my knife boy?”  He asked.

“It’s a real nice one sir.  Looks awful sharp.”  I said.

“Oh, you bet it is boy!  You bet it is!  Why don’t you do me a favor and lick this here knife for me?”  He said.

“Ok sir.  Just don’t hurt me.”  I said as I began licking his knife while crying.

“That’s right.  Lick that knife good boy.  How does it taste?”  He asked.

“It tastes pretty good actually.”  I said. 

It was in all honesty the best knife I ever tasted.  I never thought I would ever say that sentence in my life, but that truly was the finest-tasting knife I ever put in my mouth.

“I know boy.  I know.  So do you like watching your mama with strange men?”  He said.

“No sir!  I didn’t mean nothin’!  I swear!”  I said.

“Why don’t you pull your little pecker out for me?”  He said.

“What?  Are you serious?”  I asked as I saw mother crying behind him.

“You bet your ass I’m serious boy!  Whip it out!”  He said while holding his knife to my face.

I unzipped my pants to unveil my boy-dong once more.  He laughed at me while starring my little baby slug of a wiener. 

“That is hilarious!  Are you fucking kidding me?  Aren’t you in high school by now?”  He said.

“Yes sir!  I can’t help it!  It runs in the family!”  I said.

“Well it won’t matter much longer.  I think I might just cut it off for you.  How does that sound?”  He asked.

“Oh please, no sir!  I beg you!”  I exclaimed.

“I don’t know… Tell me son, do you like sports?”  He said.

“Yes!  Yes I do sir!”  I said.

“What is your favorite sport then?”  He asked.

“Baseball sir!”  I said.

“Oops!  Wrong answer!”  He said as he sliced my wang clean off.

I screamed in agony as he ran out of the house.  Mother chased after him crying.

“How could you?!  Call me later, Captain Roast Beef Face!”

I laid there face down in a puddle of my own blood.  Mother picked up the phone to call an ambulance and then everything went black.

                When I came to, I was laying in a hospital bed where mother was sitting next to me.  She was still crying with her head in her hands.

“Why are you crying mama?”  I said.

“Oh, Sweet Filipino Jesus!  You’re awake!  I’m so sorry this happened to you!”  She said.

“It’s alright mama.  Maybe it’s for the best.  Heck, if I was allowed to play with sharp objects, I might have just de-wangified myself.  That old boy-dong of mine sure has got me in a heap a trouble today.”  I said.

“Don’t say that!  None of this is your fault!”  She said.

“I’m afraid it is Ma.  You see, I didn’t kill Grandpa because he asked me to.  In fact, he was trying to kill Lucinda with a hammer because I came all over his prized candy dish.”  I said.

“Oh no!  Not the Werther’s Originals!”  She said.

“That’s right Ma.  So I killed him to protect Lucinda.  I’m sorry for lying to you and spying on you with Captain Roast Beef Face.  I deserve this” I said.

“No son!  You don’t deserve any of it!  Besides, if not for Lucinda you might not have pulled through!”  She said.

“What do you mean by that?”  I asked.

“Why don’t you ask her yourself?”  She said.

Mother moved the curtain on my right side to reveal Lucinda lying in a hospital bed.  She was connected to a respirator and she seemed like she was on her last limb.

“Lucinda!  What are you doing here?  What happened to you?”  I screamed.

“Aw shucks partner!  It was the least I could do!  They weren’t able to save your ding-dong, so I told them you could have my parts.”  She said while coughing.

“No!  Lucinda!  I can’t live without you!  Everyone must know of your great gift to the world!”  I said.

“Oh, but they will boy.  See you’ve got the best part of me.  Now I need you to share it with everyone.”  She said.

“I don’t know how I could ever repay you!”  I said.

“Well, there is one thing.  My last wish is to be washed down the river.”  She said.

“What do you mean by that?”  I asked.

“I want you to water board me with your Super Soaker Horse Vagina!”  She said.

“I don’t know what to say Lucinda.  I’ll miss you so much.”  I said with teary eyes. 

“It’s okay boy.  I’m going to a better place.  You know what you have to do now.”  She said.

  I stood up from my bed and caressed the horse feathers on the back of her neck.  I kissed her on the nose and then proceeded to climb on top of her.  I stood at the end of her bed and gave my new, throbbing grapefruit-sized horse clitoris a little tickle.  Before I knew it, I screamed with rapture as a monsoon of horse juice came gushing out of me and blasted Lucinda clean out of the window, three floors down to where she landed hoofs up in a dumpster.  I began crying and then I heard a familiar voice running up behind me.

“Son!  Are you okay?” Father said.

“Pa!  Hey!  You got to see this.”  I said as I unleashed another tidal wave of horse rain upon him.

The force was so great that it knocked him down and he began shouting with joy.

“Hot damn!  What a rush!  I’m so proud of you son!”  He said.

We all shared a laugh for a moment and then we started hearing harp music.  We looked out the window and saw Lucinda in the clouds with brilliant, gold light shining behind her.

“Hey y’all!  Looks like you folks are in business here.  I trust you’ll be using your new powers for good!”  She said.

“I sure will Lucinda!  Thank you for bestowing such a great gift upon me!”  I said.

“Oh, t’aint no trouble at all boy!  The pleasure is all mine!  Hey guess who else is up here with me?”  She said as grandpa walked up next to her.

“Grandpa!  It’s so good to see you!  Sorry I had to kill you and all!”  I said

“Don’t you worry about that boy!  Now that I know you were protecting such a marvelous creature, I am honored that you killed me!  Heaven is beautiful!  I got to meet John Henry up here and it turns out he liked killing horses too!  And contrary to popular belief, John Henry is actually white.”  Grandpa said.

“Well, that makes sense.  If he wasn’t white, they probably wouldn’t let him into heaven in the first place.”  Father said.

“Mmm hmm.  I know that’s right.”  Mother said.

“I’ll miss both of you so much!  I hope you’ll always be looking down on us and making sure we’re safe.”  I said.

“Oh, we will boy.  I’ll especially be watchin’ over you when I’m feelin’ frisky.  That’s about all we do here in heaven.”  She said.

“That does sound wonderful!  Goodbye Lucinda!  Goodbye grandpa!”  I said.

And just like that, they both disappeared in the clouds.  I’ll never forget those couple of days when Lucinda touched all of lives and made me the strong woman that I am now.  Thus was the end of the beginning.

THE END